Monday, December 22, 2003

What Type of Villain are You?

Gretchen and I broke up... wow, almost a year ago now. My feelings on the matter have ranged from "Aww, this is so great, it's almost like we never broke up," to "I'll kill that fucking bastard Nick." (Despite the fact that, when you get right down to it, he didn't do anything I wouldn't have done in his position.) Sometimes in the same day. And we've kept in touch pretty regularly since breaking up. Partly because we, after all, do have stuff in common and are friends. And partly because I've needed her company sometimes. Of the relatively few friends I have, sometimes she's been the only one I could talk to - the only one in this time zone who had the time to spare and who I wasn't hoping to get together with, for example. I really hated that. That I would need, actually need, anyone at all, and most especially that it would be my ex-girlfriend.

Clearly, talking to her has been hard sometimes. And every single time it's been in person, it's been very hard. But this evening was great because for the first time since breaking up I saw her in person and it went well. We laughed and listened to music she's downloaded and stuff. I saw her yearbook for the first time. And her blue hair is a different shade from the blue I'm used to, so it was an entertaining surprise.

Maybe because this meeting was completely impromptu - I basically found myself in the neighborhood and she was free so I dropped by. I didn't have anything planned that I would have been pressured to accomplish, I hadn't driven all that way just to see her so I could leave whenever. Or maybe it's just been long enough. Who knows? But I'm not complaining.

Earlier, when I was thinking about sitting down to write something, I was thinking about how things haven't been great. Why haven't I seen any of my friends at all yet this vacation? (Or so I was saying before tonight, of course.)Don't I have any? If I'm not buying many presents, does that mean I'm an uncaring guy who doesn't know how to treat the people in his life?

And so on. But as I was getting ready to write this, it occurred to me that even if things right now aren't the best they've ever been for me, they have been a Hell of a lot worse. Right after the aforementioned breakup? I spent three hours crying on the shoulder of a girl I at the time barely knew. The summer after I graduated from high school? The girl I'd had a crush all through school (though I never had the balls to do anything about it) was pregnant, and when I got over the initial shock (an hour or so later) I called a friend and tried to get drunk since it seemed like it might help - and failed completely, since I didn't even have the experience necessary to choke down rum and coke. And don't even mention the first month or so of my freshman year, when it seemed like every single friend in my life was in another time zone.

By comparison, this past week or two has been wonderfully amazing. What am I complaining about? I mean, don't get me wrong, I still really wish I had sex or at least love in my life, and I'm annoyed that I have no better prospects there than "wait and hope". But I can keep it in perspective - the past couple weeks have been pretty damn good, on the whole.

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