Monday, March 01, 2004

Saturday night I was in the miserable situation of having a number of things I could do, none of which I cared about. I could stay in my room and hang out and possibly work, or I could go see "Kill Bill" which was playing on campus, or I could go to DU's toga party, or I could go to the Roost. Almost no matter what I do I'll wind up thinking about what could have happened had I made a different choice. And if I choose nothing, I feel guilty and depressed because I had a chance to improve myself and/or have fun and didn't take it - however slight it was.

In the end, I went to the Roost. It was me, Eric, Kenny, Melissa, and Mallory, a girl Eric and Kenny knew from church. And as it happens, going to the Roost probably was the best option. As good a movie as "Kill Bill" might be, I would have gone alone. And the toga party might have been worth going to... but then again, I might have put a fair amount of time and energy into making a toga only to get there, find plenty of acquaintances but no actual friends, wind up on the outside of every crowd looking in, and spend too much time drinking crappy beer and losing at Beirut. But the Roost, on the other hand, was fun. Well... relatively. It was better than the average night sitting around here. But on the other hand, I think I scared Mallory with my dour stares for no apparent reason. And I've never told Eric to fuck off before, especially over something harmless like him suggesting I go try to hit on a girl we were all admiring.

Dammit, why does my life suck?

A dozen possible answers to those question immediately come to mind, so why aren't I doing them? Fear? Is it just simply fear, of rejection or looking stupid or something? What else could it be? I never consciously think about it like that. But then, nothing else adequately explains it.

Why can’t I just plain have fun? What was up at the Roost? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I so desperately, pathetically feel a need for someone, anyone at all, to share my life with? Why have I been in capable of taking that first step for about a year now?

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