Thursday, October 27, 2005

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF NETWORK NEWS WATCHED OVER DINNER, A SUMMARY:

ANCHOR: Harriet Miers withdrew her nomination today.

RIGHT-WING TALKING HEAD: This was not about her lack of ideology, this was about her lack of qualifications.

ANCHOR: Meanwhile, back in Texas, some of Harriet's old friends and neighbors think the Washington establishment didn't give her a chance.

TRUCK DRIVER: Those librul wackos were too hard on her.

LIBRARIAN: It just wasn't very nice. I went to school with Harriet, and she worked so hard, she just didn't deserve people calling her all those names just because President George Bush wanted her on the Supreme Court.

ANNOUNCER: Next, with all the higher prices at the pump, did you think that oil companies were having financial trouble? Our special report may surprise you!

[AFTER BREAK] ANCHOR: You might have thought that after Katrina smashed a couple refineries in the Gulf of Mexico the oil industry would be hurting, but damn you're stupid.

RANDOM EXPERT, COMPLETELY FORGETTABLE EXCEPT FOR HAVING THE UNLIKELY NAME "CHENEY": The oil companies may be hurting, but it's only lower back pain from carrying their massive wallets around--

ANCHOR: Our intrepid Congressmen have been holding hearings to get to the bottom of this mystery.

UNIDENTIFIED DEMOCRAT: We propose a tax on oil companies, but only on their profits in a feeble attempt to look pro-consumer and pro-corporation at the same time.

UNITED STATES REPRESENTATIVE J. DENNIS HASTERT, ESQ.: On the behalf of these great United States of America, I would like to know what the oil companies are doing to keep prices low out of the goodness of their hearts and their sense of social justice.

RECFEFHTUNC: Oil companies are raking in the cash hand over--

MOVING DIAGRAM FLASHED ON THE SCREEN FAST ENOUGH TO INDUCE EPILEPTIC SEIZURE: What he said.

ANNOUNCER: Next, in Tales of the Weird, a Hispanic state legislator in Idaho feels that illegal immigration is a serious problem, but strangely enough, he's Hispanic! Did we mention his parents were Mexican?

MR. EZ'S SUPPORTERS: Those damn aliens are coming up here and taking the jobs from honest, hardworking Americans. They should all be shot.

ANCHOR: And Mr. Ez, a Hispanic state representative, agrees with them completely.

MR. EZ: Factory farms encourage illegal immigrants to come here because they can get away with giving starvation wages and inhuman working conditions to non-citizens, so I want to penalize those farms.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS WOMAN ON THE STREET: Mr. Ez's heart is in the right place, but he's on a slippery slope that leads to--

ANNOUNCER: Up next, a gay dancing bear!

Actually, I should watch TV news more often. "Smallville" has often been a guilty pleasure of mine, and I'm always a bit embarrassed when my parents see me watching it. I mean, it's usually five to 10 minutes of intrigue and comic book superheroes, embedded in an hour of teen drama, eye candy, schlocky repetitive plots and shameless product placement - what am I, fourteen? (I probably shouldn't care if some of my interests are more juvenile, but that's another can of worms entirely.) But after one evening of seeing what my parents voluntarily subject themselves to on CBS Evening News, fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

2 comments:

A. Azuri said...

Oooh, bring back the sarcasm, please! I like it a lot! It's the sort of thing I see from Mike's Opendiary, that cracks me up :)

Kenny said...

I vote you continue to watch the network news, and write it up like this. Your satire isnt half bad, and since you still want to be a journalist (right?), it's really not a bad skill to work on.