Tonight, instead of getting to know some friends better and probably meeting new people, I chose to sit in a dark room, waste some money and play computer games.
Almost nothing's that simple, of course, so I shouldn't beat myself up like that. It's a problem of mine. To elaborate, I went up to Burlington earlier this evening, planning on going to Drinking Liberally as I do most Thursday nights. No one else showed up at the usual place, so I went to a nearby cyber café to check my e-mail and see if it had been cancelled. As it turns out, it had merely been moved to Nectar's, a club a couple blocks away. I couldn't decide right away if I wanted to join them at the new place or just turn around and go home - I was iffy about going up there tonight in the first place, and Nectar's was not the kind of place I felt like. But while I was at the cybercafé I logged on to Kinderkreig, my main character in World of Warcraft, planning to just do a little housekeeping-type stuff.
But some people were trying to get a group together to tackle Onyxia, an extremely tough boss. In similar situations I've refused to join in, but I had never even tried Onyxia before, and I was assured it would be quicker than I had expected, so I went for it.
Over two hours later, I finally left, job undone and clearly undoable by our group.
So instead of going to a social outing that I was ambivalent about to begin with, I tried to do something I had never done before. At least, that's the "glass half full, dammit, I don't care how light it feels!" interpretation. But when all is said and done, instead of getting to know some friends better and probably meeting new people, I chose to sit in a dark room, waste some money and play computer games.
My parents have complained about the time I spend playing computer games and occasionally I've wondered myself, but I've always believed that there was nothing wrong with games except for how they can become a procrastination tool. But if that were ever true, clearly it's not any more.
I need to get off my ass and... forget that, I just need to get off my ass. I have absolutely no excuse for spending every Friday and Saturday night online without fail, or for having a heap of receipts which are waiting for me to spend the mere 15 minutes it would take to balance my checkbook and avoid overdue bills, or for already procrastinating on a few things at this dream job, or for not even trying to develop a social life closer to home or more personal than weekly interest groups in Burlington, and on and on.
By almost any measure I'm better off than a year ago. And by every single measure I'm certainly better off than I was three years ago, as both Gretchen and Katye could agree with. But just "better" is not nearly fucking good enough, not by a long shot.